Perils and Patterns in the Search for Perfection
"Freedom of the will" - that is the expression for the complex state of delight of the person exercising volition, who commands and at the same time identifies himself with the executor of the order - who as such, enjoys also the triumph over obstacles, but thinks within himself that it is really his will that overcame them. In this way the person exercising volition adds the feelings of delight of his successful executive intruments, the useful 'under-wills' or 'under-souls' - indeed our body is but a social structure composed of many souls - to his feelings of delight as a commander. L'effet c'est moi. What happens here is what happens in any well constructed and happy commonwealth; namely the governing class identifies itself with the successes of the commonwealth.
Nietzsche, Beyond Good & Evil
There's a kind of paralysis that comes with perfectionism - the awareness of being identified as creator or author, standing on the shoulders of giants, yet petrified, humbled in their greatness. Is Nietzsche alluding to the fact that self-deception is an unavoidable part of any process of determination? In the case of this journal I think the paralysis manifests in a conflict between technical coherence and poetic exploration. I just keep writing, without a clearly defined goal shaping the output, and my fear is always one of making mistakes, of being wrong, despite the obvious conclusion that theres just no other way to do things.
One of the things I have been realising is that I thrive on limitations. I have a tendency to be an inventor and I like to push boundaries and dream up new possibilities, so on the surface, it can be very frustrating to have to bend this vision or pull back to suit. But ultimately, I've come to understand that it is actually more enjoyable to get real stuff done rather than perfect abstractions, and I've started to really like being placed in a position where there are restrictions, a legacy, an arbitrary deadline, where I have to work with what I've got, within the boundaries that other people have fudged. These restrictions often lead to my most rewarding work, even if it's not always my best. Part of this is the realisation of how subjective and pointless it can be to take perfectionism to the extremes, but also understanding that success comes from maintaining enough perfectionism to refuse to give up on ones personal standards when faced with a wall of entropy and low expectations.
New Zealand has an interesting climate where there are still very strong group values, like social quicksand. Unlike the United States, we don't champion a kind of rugged individualism being the essence of character, and we tend to be obsessed with our own mediocrity - as a nation, as a person. Tall poppy syndrome isn't just a cliche here, it is a way of life. I can point to any number of instances of this problem, from the mire of local hiphop and rock, to the way that the New Zealand school system has institutionalized averageness.
How can it be that those who are taught to be such individuals can't actually think for themselves? I have heard commerce graduates boast about finishing their degree without getting a single book out of the university library, and I have heard senior secondary school teachers tell their students that their grades are the only thing that counts, regardless of whether they remember anything they learned or not. Could it be, the problem is simply that people are not encouraged to set their own limits or appreciate their own success? The word 'volition' obviously has a strong relationship to the word 'voluntary'. That's why I'm fascinated by Nietsches suggestion that freedom of the will necessiates the delusion that we actually had anything to do with it. We may not have set the restrictions or limitations of the situation, and our response may have had little to do with our own personal motivations - but as long as we can identify a situation with our own expectations, as long as we choose to meet our own standards, we can continue to learn and grow and succeed, regardless of the apocryphal expectations of those who see fit to pronounce judgement from the safety and comfort of their inertial armchairs.
